The Heart is a Battleground
by Ami Arashi
Summary: Why does love appear to be a constant struggle for some? Is it merely the idea of wanting to be accepted as a person, or wanting to be accepted as a human with emotion?
1. Nearly Longing

In the heat of battle, amongst the madness surrounding his bones and the magic he wielded circling to the tips of his fingers, he knew he was in love with the man fighting by his side. The fire he spat from his hand was entrancing; watching it was similar to experiencing an epiphany of youth and fragrance. The blade he swung left a shining shimmer of the physical appearance from its existence in the air. When his mouth opened to unleash a cry of battle, it was simply nothing other than sweet music to his ears.

Perhaps Zell was hallucinating the senses he was receiving from the heat of the moment, or perhaps it truly was his feelings trying to tell him what was wrong.

A blast of snow burst from Zell's hand as the monster advanced itself. The spell connected just below the eye. The suffering creature shrieked in pain, and fell backward in a flurry of blistering ice. He personally congratulated himself, and peered over to his partner in battle.

Squall had taken down two creatures upon the prompt, dividing cut from his gunblade. Instantly, Zell felt a combination of jealousy and adoration fill his body. Neither of them could help it that Squall was a master of combat and ferocity. Zell couldn't help it if he possessed feelings for this incredible man either.

Another one easily brought to its feet. What would be able to stop this man from fighting? Absolutely nothing? He took note of Squall's divine step, allowing him the ability to move rapidly with ease. He began to take in the sight of his hair, trimmed neatly, but still dangling in clumps just above his eyes.

Zell longed to reach out and touch him to see what would happen. He started to imagine what could. Dazzling displays of light might break free from the spot he touched gingerly, because if he touched it without taking great care, he would not be able to touch him again. The leather of his coat would be pushed up against his back, spreading a sea of black shadows and white highlights across his physique. His muscles might flex in surprise to the foreign sensation, and he would feel it tenderly beneath his fingertips.

Two more monsters were cast aside.

Zell eyed his ally shyly. When Squall brought his head back, he would immediately throw his own head to the side, acting as if battle was the only priority he had. But he continued to allow his imagination to take flight upon the battlefield.

Squall's body wasn't the only thing that drove Zell mad. It didn't drive his genitals to expand cruelly – that only happened when he found himself in a mood so foul and dirty he would have to confine it to his dormitory late at night when the Garden was asleep – but he wondered why any self-respecting man would want to hide such a wonderful body from view. If Zell could see his body wanting to be let free from the restraint of clothing, he knew it had to be something worthwhile he was hiding. He could almost visualize what was underneath.

A body so smooth and perfect only Hyne himself would be able to cast such beauty upon the world… Zell's hand slowly reached out. Only Hyne himself, but anyone should be allowed to caress a delicate splendor…

Squall leapt from the side and drove his blade into the monster slowly creeping up behind Zell. With a flick of his wrist, he pulled back his arm and the blood splattered onto the edges of his blade. He grunted, and shook himself free of the slick, wretched blood. How revolting.

"What was that?" he exclaimed, stepping forward through the brush. "Couldn't you hear it from behind you?"

For just a moment, Zell could've sworn it wasn't merely a man speaking to him so, but the voice of an angel from the heavens. No other could sound more graceful, and most high. But Hyne knew he wasn't being true, and he had to admit defeat for his own sake.

"Oh, right. I mean, no, I didn't hear it."

Squall released a rather dissatisfied sigh and pulled back the tall grass. "You should pay more attention during battle. Don't make a habit out of slacking off."

It was oblivious to Zell how oblivious Squall was. Again, he seemed to hear nothing but the sound of a great saint's voice in the mist unveiling before him. He saw the frame of a man who had witnessed countless battles, stood strong above all, and felled every foe. Zell admired Squall tremendously for his courage and strength. He truly had the essence of a lion: fearless, commanding, dominant. What he wouldn't do just to be able to compare to him on any level of significance.

Zell trailed behind Squall, as he always had, watching his every move like a hawk in the sky, challenging his prey beneath him. The two pressed forward down the snaky path riddled with tall grass and covered with thick fog.

--------------------------------------------

"You want to practice the field exam with Squall?"

Quistis folded her arms across her chest at the notion. She didn't begin tapping her foot insistently, but Zell was expecting that soon enough. He would have to defend his reasoning before she became angered. He knew she would too.

"Why would you want to do something like that?"

"I haven't done any training in awhile. I could use the opportunity to do some catching up."

She rolled her eyes dully and replied, "You realize he's going to be carefully analyzing the area as a potential field exam for next year's students, right?"

"Well, of course I'm aware of that."

From her folded arms, she brought up one steadfast finger and held it close to his face. Yes, Quistis was indeed getting irritated. He thought it was unfair of her to get aggravated with him so easily. He hadn't uttered but perhaps twenty words.

She spat, "You'd only get in his way! The Commander is busy enough as it is!"

Zell was used to the abuse, so he supposed it wasn't worth bringing himself up to overcome it. That didn't mean he would go without a struggle, however.

He really wanted to be able to fight alongside Squall.

Just being in his presence was invigorating. He could feel his body tense up with anticipation every time. He would wonder if Squall would want to say anything to him, maybe ask him how his day was, or how many monsters he killed in the training center that morning. If it wasn't his presence that forced Zell to become so submissive, Squall's looks definitely did the job. Peering over to the side in Squall's direction was a pleasurable experience. He wouldn't be able to see his face exactly, and yet he was lucky enough to see what he could.

He felt so exalted, and privileged to look at him so.

Thinking about the Commander brought him back to at least try and verify his logic.

"Tch, thanks for believing in me, Quistis."

She sighed audibly, and audibly annoyed. Apparently, trying to win her over with guilt wasn't going to be fun. Zell knew Quistis wouldn't drag herself into something so childish and unlisted, but that was how he functioned. What was he but a good-for-nothing chicken-wuss? Immature, hyper, bouncing from wall to wall and from eye-to-eye…

The room was filled with the glorious tension. Quistis hated being disturbed between classes, but Zell didn't want to go to Squall about this. He didn't exactly trust Quistis's intuition, but the thought of him actually asking Squall to tag along scared him senseless.

She said, "Zell, honestly, he has enough on his plate…"

And just as Zell had predicted, her foot began to tap.

"Then why can't I help him? Bringing two people along would cut the mission time in half, don't you think?"

"Do you understand what he needs to look for while he's out there?"

Zell considered it momentarily, but only because his urge to fight with Squall by his side was winning the battle over his good judgment.

"Whatever it is, I can handle it!"

Oh no, he was letting his emotion get the better of him. He tried to mask his excitement by bringing back his lips, and instead, ended up with a cringe oddly cast upon his face.

Quistis didn't bother to notice. "Everything needs to be calculated carefully, Zell. We both know you're nothing more but a man of ignorance and act purely on impulse."

Silently, and with no emotion spread across her face, Quistis watched as the blow was dealt to him. He never was one to hide his emotions, however, he seemed to understand it well. He flinched, slightly, and hunched his shoulders in admittance, but she found that he had suppressed the impulse to act out based on what he felt. Surprising, of course.

She wondered why Zell would take a sudden interest in participating in Squall's work. He didn't hold any official rank other than his SeeD rank at Balamb Garden, but was he maybe considering a higher status? That wouldn't be possible for someone as worked up as Zell, but he was always proud of himself, and not vain, like many at Garden. He was a worthy ally, because he was always caring of others.

Somehow, she didn't think Zell had any intention of following what Squall had started, yet she just couldn't believe he had come to do some training either.

Wait, was it possible Zell wanted to spend more time with Squall?

"How could you say something like that, Quistis?"

Quistis wasn't able to make the connection quickly, and she almost asked Zell to repeat what she had said. But then she remembered what she had told him, and for a moment, she felt guilt take an unpleasant ride through her veins. How embarrassing it would be for Zell, if he indeed wanted to get to know Squall like that. She knew Squall would have nothing of it, especially with the recent break-up with Rinoa. He wouldn't be the type of person to switch sexuality just for the sexual relief. He had gone back to acting like the Squall she had taught at Garden before she had assigned them to the field exam they participated in just before graduating to SeeD status.

But, then again… maybe spending time with an old counterpart would bring him some much-needed happiness back into his life.

"Zell, I didn't… I didn't mean that. We're all stressed out about the recent workload."

He didn't seem swayed by her words. "Uh huh."

"Look," she said, uncrossing her arms from her chest. She massaged her temple gently. "How about I ask Squall what he thinks? Maybe he'll let you come along."

Zell's eye lit up from behind a misty veil of blue and gray. She expected him to jump up with anticipation, but he did no such thing. Not yet, anyway. Cautiously, he lifted his pupils up to hers, and she could envision content inside.

"You'd really do that?"

"Yes, Zell, I'll ask him later."

His closed hand came dangerously close to making contact with her body, but she backed away just in time. Had she not done so, she would be on the ground trembling in pain from the impact. Why did he always insist on wearing his knuckle busters even when he wasn't in combat?

"Oh thank you, Quistis! Thank you!"

He didn't realize he had come to within inches of striking her, and he certainly wasn't aware of his outburst. His boyish exhilaration had kicked into full swing… literally. He felt like a little boy of nine years, and it reminded him of the feeling he felt when Ma Dincht would add another gun to his collection, to display with pride in his room.

Is this how he really felt about Squall? Was it nothing more than a childish fantasy? Like adding another gun to his collection?

Couldn't be.

Quistis smiled anxiously, wishing he would leave her be. Her suspicions had been confirmed. She pat him on the back warily, and wasn't expecting the hug she found herself being pulled into.

"I really appreciate this," said Zell, squeezing his arms tightly around her body.

Quistis responded, rather nervously, "It's no trouble. Really. Now, come on… let me go."

"Oh, right. Yeah, sorry."

His grip loosened, and she was able to breathe once again. Why? Why did he always insist on having his knuckle busters?

She began to compose herself once more, carefully straightening her skirt and fidgeting with her tie. Quistis understood why Zell had come to her between the class schedule now, much more clearly than she had before. It really was too bad… she already knew the outcome of the conversation she would have with Squall later. She almost saw the irritation slipping hastily over his features, and a single hand would go to his forehead, as if to calm an oncoming headache. And Hyne knew she could relate.

That, however, would feel like nothing compared to the disappointment she would have to drop onto Zell later on.

For now, let him have his peace, she thought.


	2. Surprise Attack

He trudged onward through the tall grass and through the thick fog that had himself and his comrade enclosed. Zell wasn't able to see Squall anymore, despite him being within twenty feet. He certainly wasn't within arm's length; they were far apart enough not to touch one another.

He felt misfortune set its sights upon him.

The monsters had tapered off awhile ago, and now they were focused on finding a trench in the earth. Zell hoped he wouldn't be the one to fall into it, but he didn't want Squall to be the one to fall either. Personally, he didn't think Squall would be capable of falling in such a manner. He was greatly favored by the gods.

A foul-smelling moisture slowly crept into the inside of Zell's nose, and he frowned. It was a scent he didn't recognize from anywhere. Had he been away from the battleground for that long?

Just ahead of him, Squall stopped in his tracks. Zell's feet ceased as well, and silence resumed among the plain, but not for long. All around him he began to hear noises of deep, low-pitched growling. Perhaps the fog wasn't the only that had them captured.

Zell heard the tiny clink of Squall's glove tapping the gunblade. Motionlessly, he nodded, and prepared his body to fight once again. There was a mutual understanding between the two of them: the time to fight was now, so the enemy didn't think there was an advantage among the two prisoners. He had to put his mind to rest about his love standing a mere twenty feet from him.

It felt like a mile separating them.

From the tall grass to Zell's left, he heard a sudden whisk, and turned to face it. A shadow leapt at him forcefully, and it took most of Zell's strength to catch the creature in his arms, at the right moment. He uttered a loud grunt, which initiated Squall to react violently, and tottered gracelessly on his feet. The monster had its claws sunk into Zell's arm, but he felt no pain. That wasn't pain at all. He hurled the beast back into the fog and listened for it to make impact, with the ground, or against a tree, he didn't care which.

Another one launched itself at him, and this time, Zell was better prepared. He leaned all of his weight to one side and narrowly avoided the monster striding right past him. He expected the beast to come back and finish the job, but it kept pursuing.

Squall. It was after him.

But he didn't have time to yell out. He felt compelled to cry out to his love and warn him of an imminent attack, but after the second rushed at Zell, more followed. Three pounced on him at once, just as Zell was preparing to cast a spell. He was interrupted by three bodies of scorching heat piled on top of him. He struggled with his hands to complete his casting, but the claws of three beasts were deep within his skin. A sensation of needles stabbing his body was cascading all over him.

He attempted to hoist all three of them into the air at the same time, but his strength had been sucked dry. The claws were in too deep; he felt his own blood trickling down from the wounds. From the scattered remains of brush in the distance, he heard Squall unleash a bellowing cry, and shortly following it, was his gunblade connecting with the enemy. Zell wanted to fight beside him, just as he hoped to when he left that morning, but he was slowly fading. Hearing his voice was enough comfort to keep him from closing his eyes.

The monsters attached to him grumbled their approval and began feasting on their prey. Zell suffered the wrath of the razor-sharp claws and teeth, and screamed as they sunk in further. The pain was excruciating.

"Hyne, help me!" he cried, writhing to rid himself of the monsters. One unhooked itself from Zell's body, but then came back for more. His left ear had been cut severely, his arms looked like a battlefield of bloodthirsty scratches fighting one another, and his shirt was ripped away. More were waiting to come and have a seat at the dinner table, and Zell could see them beyond his eyelids.

He tried again, kicking and lashing out at the demons. He no longer could hear Squall in the distance; the monsters' upon him were snarling loudly, and the one that held his ear between his teeth was breathing into it. It sounded gruesome, and his nerves felt moist and stung viciously. His connection with the one person who knew he existed out in this terrible place was cut off. The monsters would finish him off quickly, leaving nothing but his bones to rot in the mist.

His eyelids began to flutter, despite the grief his body was encountering. Blood flowed from his pores. Quickly, he understood the true feeling of physical pain, but he would have yet to learn the essence of it.

He imagined a shadow descending down upon him, and ripping away the monsters from his skin. What he wouldn't give to be free of the situation he was in. It was best to at least think of something he could die peacefully to.

A shrill ring pierced his ears as metal dug into ripe flesh and blotches of black blood flew into the sky. A smile spread across his face as the shadow crept a little closer, saving no anticipation for the end. It would all be over.

His eyelids closed and he slipped into sweet unconsciousness.

He would save him from the demon monsters in the shadow field. He always came at the right time; he was undefeated. A bold man such as himself needed no introduction, because the world knew who he was. Hyne had created such a divine being and placed him into existence for this very purpose, and it was his turn to take it in.

Zell brought his hands up to the shining alter before him, and his hands were met with the solid grip of a man comparable to the mighty lion. A wonderful feeling of relief flushed over his body, for now he knew his life would be safe in his hands.

He came as a companion and would leave a soldier.

-------------------------------------

Quistis entered his office attentively, realizing he was probably very busy, and didn't want to be disturbed. However, as she stepped inside, she noticed he sat at his desk, immobile, his mind jousting the endless decision of what to do next. She observed him doing it quite often, and quite casually. It upset her occasionally.

To make it seem like it was nothing too pressing, she brought in a stack of papers for him that had been waiting out on the secretary's desk. She had planned for this occasion as best she could with the little time she was given, but no matter how many times she rolled the idea over and over in her head, it didn't make the situation any easier.

He didn't see her standing her for several moments. She wasn't going to initiate conversation. Since Rinoa left him, he felt more obligated to ignore the presence of another being unless it was his lost love. He needed to start acting mature again.

"Quistis? What can I do for you?"

"Afternoon, Squall," she stated firmly, striding forward elegantly, yet reserved. "I came by to talk to you about the field exam study you'll be conducting in two days."

His hand rose from the desk and he waved it in front of him. "Don't remind me."

What a pleasant start.

"Squall, I know things have been…" Quistis began, then froze in the middle of her thought. She probably shouldn't bring anything up to Squall at such a tender time in his life, even though he hadn't even hit his mid-twenties yet and knew nothing of a mid-life crisis. He wouldn't know that feeling until well after thirty-five. But then she reminisced about Zell's visit earlier, and couldn't seem to push his yearning face from her view. She now knew he had feelings for Squall, and she couldn't make herself crush his hopes so cleanly. Squall didn't feel anything in return – in fact, he would most likely feel disgusted at the notion – but he had missed out on being with the other people he loved, and not just Rinoa.

Thank Hyne she had left him. They could finally spend time together again as they did in the past.

"I know things have been rough lately," she said, quickly covering her previous assertion. "And I realize you've been under a lot of hardship, so I'm going to get this out there before you have any disagreement.

"I think you should have someone else with you while you study the potential field exam."

And she had said it. Simply, firmly, hurriedly. She judged the displeased reaction on his face and knew Zell wouldn't get his chance instantly.

He bounced back presently and with no remorse in his voice, just like Quistis knew of Squall before love had captured him.

"I think not."

The mild-mannered side of Quistis wanted to probe him as to why he would not allow another to join him while he conducted his study, but the wild-tempered side of Quistis clearly wanted to probe him elsewhere, and not in a cheerful demeanor. She didn't want to go back to Zell and face the disappointment in his whiny little voice, and she certainly didn't want to be the one giving him the sad news.

When did Zell start testing those waters anyway?

"Squall, please listen to me. Won't you please?"

"If you want to come with me and catch up on the latest gossip in my life, absolutely not."

She felt repulsed by the idea, but not overwhelmingly surprised. "I don't want to ask about your personal lif – "

"No, but everyone else will want to know, right?"

"Squall!"

"You can hear it straight from the source, and that way, everyone affiliated with Balamb will be chirping like songbirds about my life story in two hours tops."

Her hands were pushed forcefully to her hips, and she held them there in tight fists. What a thing to say! If he should be talking about anyone doing the gossiping, it would have to be Rinoa. But Quistis still felt composed just enough to keep that from blurting out of her mouth.

"I wasn't even thinking of myself as a candidate."

"Oh really?"

"Yes, really."

Squall's eyes rolled solemnly to the back of his head. "And whom were you thinking of?"

Ick. She didn't want to be doing this right now.

She sighed and said, "I think it would be nice if you took Zell along for the study."

A mixture of reactions appeared on his face, and she didn't challenge a single one. Quistis saw annoyance come up first, and in all honesty, annoyance would probably be the last emotion to leave his face. She thought she saw a glimpse of disappointment cross over his eyes, but what would he have to be disappointed about? He didn't want anyone coming along in the first place.

"Zell huh?"

She nodded.

He tapped his fingers on the desk. Quistis was alarmed as to how long he was taking to give her an answer. The answer was almost undoubtedly no, but even if it was a yes, why would he be taking this long? He did not have feelings for Zell, in any way, shape or form. There was no reason for Squall to take his sweet time.

She nervously displaced her weight from one foot to the next as he sat at his desk, almost happily considering something he should have instantaneously known the answer to. It was like a math problem, a chemical reaction, a recipe one followed while cooking. If one added up two things that didn't match up, there were going to be complications. Taking too long to make a decision in the middle of combat meant endangering the entire party.

"I don't know if I'd be able to handle him anytime soon." he replied.

"Then don't worry about it, he'll understand."

Squall lifted his hand and eyed Quistis. "Wait, this was his idea?"

Oh shit, had she somehow led him to believe it was Zell who came to her about it? Great. Now she was stuck.

Squall didn't seem to comprehend why Zell would want to go to Quistis about the field exam study and not him. He was the Commander of Balamb Garden, but that hadn't stopped Zell in the past. Of course he had been rather testy these past few weeks, and no one really wanted to stop by and speak with him about anything, but that was similar to how things were in the beginning. He liked it that way sometimes.

Actually, he could use the extra help. He should feasibly let Zell tag along this time. Although he was looking forward to having some peace and quiet – at least to himself – on the battlefield, he had spent enough of his time doing that as of late.

"Tell him to meet me in the parking lot at nine. If he doesn't show up on time and ready to go, I'll beat his sorry little ass."

Quistis wasn't quite positive as to which took her aback more, the remark he made or the fact he had said yes to Zell coming with him. Hopefully she hadn't wavered in her own reaction, but she likely had. What an odd, and almost… pleasant thing to hear.

She poised herself accordingly and acknowledged, "Right. I'll let him know."

Quistis was getting a strange feeling by looking at Squall's face so complacent for the first time in weeks. She turned around and left his office immediately, now occupied with how she was going to break the news to Zell. She hadn't been expecting Squall to agree with it, not one bit.

He watched her leave, a sleek and iniquitous stride straight into the main lobby just outside his office. She hadn't even taken a seat during their short conversation.

Squall was a bit puzzled as to why he would even say yes to such an absurd suggestion, but it was too late now. Had he felt a pang of guilt for Zell because he disliked him so? Had he really been that lonely since Rinoa had broken up with him?

Of course he wasn't alone, he had himself.

That's all he really needed.


End file.
